Joy is not a word I ever associated with myself. I used to think joy meant happiness and for many years, I struggled to find happiness. But I’ve come to learn that joy and happiness are two totally different things and that you can find joy even in the midst of sadness.I discovered my joy when I learned how to paint as myself. As a child, drawing and painting gave me that feeling – I would lose myself totally whenever I had a pencil or paints or crayons – but as an adult I lost my way. I was never happy with the results I was getting, and so the process became more about frustration.The pull to make art remained, but the joy was gone.It wasn’t until I learned to paint as myself that it returned.

What do I mean?

Have you ever spent too much time scrolling through Instagram or Pinterest, wishing you could paint like this or that artist?Have you ever felt tight and frustrated even at the start of a painting?Have you ever stood in front of your easel or table wanting to paint, but just with no idea how to get started?Do you see art-making as a struggle, rather than a source of pleasure?If any of these ring true for you, it’s because you’re not yet painting as your true self.When you are painting as yourself, you don’t care what anyone else is posting on Instagram.When you are painting as yourself, the start of the painting is the most exciting time.When you are painting as yourself, you never run out of ideas about how to start.When you are painting as yourself, things just flow.That doesn't mean that you don't experience frustrations, or that your paintings never go wrong - those things happen all the time - but it means that they don't drag you down. Because you know that you have the answers within you - all you have to do is keep painting.

So how do you get there?

It’s both easier and harder than you think.In one way it is simple. You just need to let go and be yourself.But of course letting go is so very hard for many of us. We have years and years of programming to be someone else, to cover up who we are, to do things ‘the right’ way, to produce a certain kind of result. Often we don’t even know who we are underneath all that.The first time I painted purely intuitively, I produced these 3 pieces:They were unlike anything I had done previously. For one thing, I had never painted an abstract painting in my life. For another, I was fairly new to using colour, having restricted myself to black and white for many years in the mistaken belief that I couldn’t ‘do’ colour.They were also clearly not particularly sophisticated. And yet there was something about them – a jolt of recognition. When I looked at them I clearly saw ‘this is me.’I wrote to my best friend:“These feel like me but how can that be? They are so joyful!"He wrote back“They look like you! You are finally seeing the person I have known for 30 years” (He’s a sweetheart).So, there on those 3 boards, I came face to face with myself for the first time in many many years.After that I struggled for a while, veering back and forth between moments of honest intuitive painting and long periods of reverting back to something more restricted. Like everyone else, I spent a long time learning how to hide myself away. I had years of learning how to "do it right." In almost all areas of my life, I was rewarded for producing a result.So it was incredibly hard to stop trying to produce "a good painting" and instead pursue a line of inquiry - to continually ask "what would happen if ....?"But as time has gone on and I have continued to work, I’ve become better at entering that state of flow. I recognize it by the way I am feeling. Am I applying paint freely and with enjoyment? Or am I starting to get tight and worried about things?One will produce good results, the other will only ever take things in the wrong direction.One feels good. One feels like a struggle.Ironically, it is only when you stop trying so hard to make a good painting, that the good paintings come.

Now I want this for others

At the start of this post, I said you can often find joy in the midst of sadness and I have found this to be true. Even if I am feeling very down or very worried, I can ground myself through painting. And I think it’s because, through painting, I have found my way back to myself. Back to that kid who didn’t care what anyone thought. Back to that kid who expressed herself freely and without worrying that there was anything wrong with the way she was. So when the outside world delivers hard knocks (as it will always do) painting gives me a way to go back inside – back to joy.I know this is available for you too. We ALL have access to this. We all have our own voice. We just have to drop the expectations – our own and other peoples’ – and paint our way back to who we have always been.If you would like to explore these ideas further, come and join our Facebook group (it’s totally free). And please do sign up for my Sunday newsletter to get weekly inspiration, insights and ideas that will help you start painting freely and with the joy you deserve.