'So how's it going?' someone asked me. This person had thought about signing up for CVP and then decided against it. Now she wanted an update.But it's so hard to find the words to describe how it's going.Amazing would be a truthful answer. Mind blowing. Life changing (already). More fun than I've had in years.But it would be just as accurate to say it's overwhelming, disconcerting, and more than a little bit frightening.Most artists who sign up for CVP do so because they want to take their art in a new direction or raise it to a new level. That was certainly my motivation. I know that lots of people like my paintings and that I can sell them, but I still felt something was missing.I expected to develop new approaches to my work. What I didn't expect were the seismic shifts happening in my life.One month in and so much has already changed:1) My attitude to my work space has completely changed. I no longer see myself as an interloper in the guest flat over the garage. Instead, I see that space as my studio which I will tidy up when guests come to stay. This gives me a lovely big space that I have rearranged to suit the way I work. The latest change is adapting the back wall so that I can hang large boards and work on several at one time. This ingenious solution is removable and means I shouldn't make too much of a mess of the wall.2) I've discovered that I LOVE abstract painting - something I had never even tried before. Our first painting week was all about play - working intuitively with no judgement. I have NO idea where these paintings came from. They don't look like anything I have ever created, nor do they look like the work of any of my favorite artists. And yet I'm excited by them, because they feel authentic. They feel like me. But more than that, I had fun making them - pure unadulterated fun. For once the critic was turned off and when that nagging voice goes away, art-making becomes wonderful - as free and fun and rewarding as it it is for a child.3) Things are getting shaken up and I don't know where I'm headed (hence my blog post title). Our work on design and value began with a monochrome painting exercise. We were allowed only two colours - black and white - and charged with using everything we learned in week 4 to make interesting paintings. I made two abstract pieces and then decided to try a landscape. Immediately, I tightened up and felt less interested. So I edited it and went abstract again.This is disconcerting. I think of myself as a landscape painter. I thought I was taking CVP in order to advance my landscape work. But maybe that's not going to be the outcome and that makes me feel unmoored.It's hard to let go and just see where things go. It's hard to move forward when you don't have a clear destination in mind. But I can see that this course is a metaphor for life. Too often, we act as though we have some control over things. And over and over again, we find out that we do not. The car breaks down on the way to a meeting. A child breaks his leg right before a family holiday. An illness strikes out of the blue. A traffic jam makes us late for work. A partner leaves. Our employer announces lay-offs. A fire destroys a house. A loved one dies. In large and small ways we are reminded every day that our illusion of control is just that ... an illusion.When it comes to art-making, most of us embark on a new piece with a clear plan. But what if art is exactly like life - better in every way if we let stop trying to impose ourselves on it? Better in every way if we just see what comes up and then respond to it?Click here to read all my posts about CVP.Update: CVP is about to launch again in May 2020. The best news is that you can try it for free by taking a free workshop. There are a lot of people who give away free stuff in order to sell something bigger but this is different - you really do get tons of stuff for free whether or not you ever take the course. The free workshop is coming up soon (starts Feb 14th 2020) so sign up HERE to take advantage of free learning (and get a special invite to a private Facebook group I am running with my Art Juice co-host Alice Sheridan JUST for the duration of the workshop).