“I believe that every painter is in a state of continual failure. The only constant in a painter's life is failure."

-- William Bailey

Beginner artists have all sorts of mistaken beliefs. But perhaps the most damaging belief of all is the one that says "I can't be an artist because I don't know what I'm doing." The clear implication being that experienced artists DO know what they are doing.

Except we don't. Not really.

We have some skills gained over time. We have learned some lessons through experience. We might know how to mix beautiful colours or how to place things in a composition. But we can ever guarantee that what we are making will turn out well. And many of us have no idea what it will ultimately be.

That's me. I spend a large percentage of my creative time making things with no idea why I'm doing it or what they mean.

I try this. I experiment with that. And at some point, if I'm lucky, an idea starts to form and I can follow where it leads.

See, I'm not really interested in repeating myself. So if I do master something, I immediately get bored of it and need to find something new to make - something that will challenge me and teach me and help me surprise myself.

If you read regularly, you know that I am working a lot with collage at the moment, but I'm also experimenting with other ideas. My general theme is myself - my life, my feelings, my past, and also my current reality. I wanted to express my feelings without actually revealing personal details, which is where my fascination with marks has come in.

I want to find ways to express my deepest feelings without words - or at least without words that anyone can read. I've done some family history research in the past and I know that many of my ancestors signed documents with a mark rather then with a signature, because they couldn't read and write. I love the idea of finding my own marks to echo theirs and using them to communicate my feelings. That led me to start exploring with marks using drawing and gelli plate printing and paint.

The exploration took on a life of its own when I came across Drew Steinbrecher who uses toddler's board books as sketchbooks. The idea immediately felt right to me and I raced off to the charity shop to buy up whatever I could find. (I also cleared out The Works' sale section in my enthusiasm!)

Now I'm curating the papers I've made.... I love scribbles, but which ones do I like best? I love circles and crosses, but which ones are my favourites? Which colours are resonating most? And why am I fascinated with making handprints?

In one week I have made 7 sketchbooks with the curated results of my explorations.

A lot of prints and papers have gone in the recycling or been stored to re-use because I am only selecting the papers that MOST speak to me.

Here are just a few of my favourites:

Just look at those juicy pink crosses! And I love those white half circles against the deep yellow. As I've been working, the marks and shapes have become more bold, more confident, and more compelling to me. It's as though I am watching myself emerge.

But here's what's important: I have no idea how to go from these books to finished artwork. I have no idea how all this fits in with my collaged panels.

I don't even want to know yet, because the joy of this is in the journey.

Once I get the answers and make some good paintings, I'll be ready to move on to a new challenge.

I think this is both the beauty and the curse of being an artist - we are constantly seeking new ways to express how we feel and what we see, and we are never ever satisfied. (Can you imagine a successful football player saying "OK, I'm scoring goals every week now and my team is winning - I'm a bit bored now. I think I'll switch to cricket and have a go at that"!!)

And that means that we are perpetually trying to find our way and we are perpetually making things that don't work. We are failing on purpose! We deliberately put ourselves in difficult positions and then try to find our way out - a bit like escape artists. (When I see some guy tie himself up and then get in a box full of water and then try to escape, I think "why???" And yet that is pretty much what I do to myself all the time in my art.)

Life would be so much easier if I just kept on making what has worked for me in the past... but I also know I'd be bored. And I think the world would be such a better place if every artist created without fear because they simply accepted failure and uncertainty as part of the process.

In fact, not just accepted them, but welcomed them in. Because feeling certain and making "bad" art are sure signs that we are doing it right. We are pushing our boundaries and learning new things and trying to make something that hasn't been made before, something that couldn't be made by anyone but ourselves.