What is wrong with you??

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Let me ask you a question... what do you think is wrong with you?

And what do you think is wrong with your art?

Most of us have an internal dialogue telling us all the things we should change about ourself or our work.

This internal voice says things like:

• You're too loud (or too shy).

• You're too colourful (or not colourful enough)

• Your work is too careful (or your work is too loose).

• You like fluorescent colours when you should like something muted.

• You like painting flowers when you should like abstracts.

• You like drawing (but "real" artists paint).

• You're too sensitive.

• You watch too much reality TV.

• You don't read enough books.

• You're too fat (or too thin).

• You're too old (or too young).

• You cry too often.

GOOD GRIEF CAN WE GIVE OURSELVES A BREAK?!

These criticisms are made worse if we also hear them from others. Maybe someone you love thinks you're too loud or too shy or too fat or too thin or too colourful or too bland.

Maybe well-meaning people try to nudge you to be more like them or to shrink yourself down to fit into the lovely box they've designed for you.

Or maybe there is no-one criticising you. Maybe it's just the voice in your own head, which has internalised past criticism and now spouts it out every waking moment. 

But here's the thing -- unless you are consciously and deliberately hurting others - unless there are actual bodies buried under your patio - you are OK just as you are.

You are OK if you make paintings in wild, bright colours when all your friends make subtle paintings.

You are OK if your work is realistic and you are OK if it's abstract.

You are OK if you are different from everyone at your painting club.

You are OK if you lead every conversation and you are OK if you rarely speak up. 

You are OK if you are a size 18 and you are OK if you are a size 6 and your face is 'too' thin.

You are OK. 

Other people can choose whether your work is to their taste or whether they want to hang out with you, but their choice will be based on their preferences, their life experience and their personalities. It has NOTHING to do with you.

It took me so long to learn this.

For most of my life, I disliked myself. I felt I was too sensitive (always crying at the slightest thing) and too intense (always "in my head.") I thought I got too passionate about things and talked too much about things I loved. I thought I was too shy with strangers but also too bossy with friends (trust me, you can be both!)

But now I accept myself. I welcome in people who like me and my work, and I offer a cheery wave to those who find me annoying or who don't like my art. 

Here is how I talk about myself now: "I am sensitive and intense and I tend to live inside my head a lot of the time. I get really passionate about things I love - I go 'all in' and talk about them all the time. I can be shy with strangers but I am a natural leader and that comes out when you know me."

Do you see the subtle difference? I am still the same person - I just accept myself as I am. I don't beat myself up.

If someone was to tell me "you're too sensitive," I'd say:

"I AM sensitive -- the 'too' is in your head, that's your belief - but yes I am sensitive. I LIKE being sensitive."

I know that my "flaws" are actually gifts. I am sensitive, day-dreamy, and introverted because I am an artist. I am bossy because I am a leader.

I like being an artist and I like being a leader, therefore why would I criticise myself?

If you tend to beat yourself up or dismiss your artistic preferences, I want you to make a list ... write down all your self-criticisms in black and white.

And then I want you to imagine - just for now - that these were good things. Describe why each one might be a positive. So you might write: 

Criticism: My art is too precise and realistic.

Explanation: This is because I observe and care about details. I am neat and tidy and have always made a beautiful home for my family where they feel safe and loved. I care about getting things right and this has served me well in my career as a (fill in the blank).

Then you can look at your list and fully accept yourself. "I am a detailed person who likes to get things right and this has made me very good at x,y and z." Bravo for me!"

Then - and only then - can you consider if it is time for a change. Often there is no need to change - you can simply double down on who you really are. 

For example, you might say: "I enjoy making precise detailed artwork, so I am going to take classes to get better at it."

Or:

"I enjoy using glitter and fluorescent colours, so I am going to stop trying to be someone I'm not - I'm going to glitter it up!"

But, let's say you decide you really do want to loosen up in paint or learn to use more muted colours - now you can approach that from a place of self-acceptance. You don't think there is anything wrong with you - you just want to experience something new.

Do you see my point? Whether we're talking about you or your art, you can accept yourself just as you are and then decide whether you want to make some tweaks going forward.

But if you try to make those changes without self-acceptance, you are building on dodgy foundations. You are trying to change because you think you are somehow wrong. You are comparing yourself to others who don't have your life or your genes or your personality and then you are telling yourself that there is something wrong with you.

You are never wrong. You are just you.

And that is always good enough - just as you are.