“Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.”

-- Jane Austen

Since the last time we spoke, I have hardly been in my studio. In fact, all I managed was 10 minutes, during which time I drew a few pencil lines on a large work-in-progress.

So what have I done? Well, I'm teaching my 12-week Find Your Joy course, so that takes up quite a bit of time. I'm also preparing a new class for my Art Tribe membership group and there are some videos to edit for that. 

I had a lot of family and 'carer' stuff, including a 30-minute hospital appointment with my mum which actually took 5 hours (with driving time and waiting time) and a series of emails/phone calls with social workers about another family member.

I had to record and edit next week's podcast and I planned out a few new Youtube videos.

I treated myself to time out for dinner with friends on Tuesday evening - and got food poisoning, which took me out of action for a day and a half (!)

I did some accounting, I sorted out arrangements for an upcoming trip, and I tried to resolve annoying admin issues with car insurance, MOTs, and passports.

Phew!

I have been reliably told, kindly and with love, that this is my fault. Apparently, I try to do too much too quickly. 

Now, I could defend myself against this accusation .... I could say
"this is not my fault, this is just life. All these things needed doing." But did they? And did they all need doing by me?

Many of these issues arose because of choices I made. I volunteered to drive to the hospital, I assumed responsibility for the social worker calls, I arranged a trip to New York on short notice and then had to scramble to find places to stay, flights etc., only to find my passports have both expired - setting up the need to get that sorted.

That's not to say these were the wrong choices - it's to say that I don't always think through the implications before I make the choice. I don't say to myself "if you do those things, you won't have time to paint that week. Are you OK with that?"

All this got me thinking - can I start making some different choices? And by making different choices, can I set up a better environment for myself?

I've just finished watching a 3-part documentary about Picasso. Now, there is a man who never let someone else's needs get in the way of his own creativity! 

I don't plan to model myself on Picasso (!) but I do think this: I'm glad Picasso was a bad husband because his selfishness made our world so much more rich and beautiful. His contribution to the world wasn't to be a good partner - it was to transform and expand the very concept of art. It was to open up new worlds, and show us all what's possible.

He made art his priority, whereas my priority tends to be other people (those I know and those I don't). 

The truth is that art-making is a selfish act. It requires us to carve out time to do something that no-one has asked us to do. It requires us to leave household chores or errands or life admin. It requires us to separate ourselves from loved ones, so we can work in peace. 

I think many of us struggle with this. Some of us we fear the judgement of others ("isn't she being selfish?!") but many of us don't need other people to admonish us - we have a voice in our head that does that for us. 

So we say "before I can paint, I'll just do the accounts/laundry/free Youtube video" or "before I can have a studio day, I'll have to visit mum or ring my friend or get a haircut or plan a vacation for the family." 

These may all be valid choices - but I think we have to make them consciously, in the knowledge of what is being sacrificed. We have to say to ourselves "I'm about to decide to do X and what that means is that I won't have time to paint that day/week/month" and then we have to ask if that is actually aligned with our priorities.

If it is, fine. If not, something needs to change.