How did THAT happen?!!
I've been thinking about the past a lot over the last few weeks. I don't usually dwell on days gone by, but this is a special occasion. It's special because I'm only a week away from officially leaving my 50s behind. It won't be too much longer before I qualify for a bus pass in the UK and Medicare in the US. Yikes.
There have been signs for a while. My joints ache even more than they used to, I have developed jowls (!) and I am spending increasing amounts of time at a doctor or dentist or podiatrist - the list goes on. (These days, it seems to take a small army to keep me upright!)
Sixty has always held a special dread for me because it's the age at which my dad died. By the time he was my age, he knew he had only weeks to live.
He passed away 6 weeks after his 60th birthday. I remember thinking that he was too young to die - but I was only 32 years old, so I had no concept of just how young he felt inside and how cruel his diagnosis must have felt to him.
But now that I'm reaching that ripe old age of 60, I get it.
Because I realise that I am only just getting started.
And that's where the reminiscing kicked in. As I looked back, I realised just how much time passed without me fully appreciating what was happening. So this past week, I took myself back to the early 90s, dancing in the street in Toronto because the Blue Jays had won the World Series.
I went online to view video tours of the magnificent Grand Central station, which was always my favourite place in Manhattan and through which I travelled through thousands of times on my way to and from somewhere quite ordinary.
I recalled the days when I could just 'pop into town' to see shows at MOMA or the Guggenheim or the fabulous PS1 in Brooklyn. And the fabulous holidays to the dessert in Utah and Arizona.
Lining up for John's Pizza, seeing Al Pacino on Broadway, shopping in Greenwich Village, paying homage to John Lennon in Strawberry Fields, and watching fireworks in Central Park every New Year's Eve... the memories have all come flooding back.
Filing back through the years there are all these younger versions of me - thinner, prettier, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. But when I think back to all those different experiences, I'm not sure how many of them I REALLY experienced. I was so often in my head daydreaming, hoping to escape something, conjuring future plans, or just looking forward to the next thing.
We are all guilty of this, of course, which is why I decided to share these thoughts with you. And it's a cliche to say "all we have is this present moment" - but really it's true. We don't know what's coming, and we can't remake the past, but we can work on being more present for the moment we are in.
Today is a typical winter's day here in Yorkshire. I am writing this at my kitchen table looking out at my garden. The sky has been grey for weeks and the garden looks cold and dreary. They say we're getting snow later this week when I have to take my stepdad to his hospital appointments. The cold is playing havoc with my mum's bad hip. Given all this, it's very easy to think "just a few more weeks to get through and we'll be into Spring." Always looking forward.
But if I look more closely, I can see that the grass has greened-up, daffodils are beginning to come out of the cold earth, and snowdrops are already flowering. I can see a robin having a bath in my pond and hear the cooing of a wood pigeon. Riley is gently snoring next to me. Later I will take him for a walk and make a point of noticing the cold, still beauty that surrounds us. When we come home, I'll light a fire, pour a glass of something delicious, and call an old friend in Canada. Then I'll make something tasty for dinner.
And yes I'm worried about my mum's hip, and I need to step in and help my stepdad get to his appointments, and I have to fit a lot of work in between all that, and probably won't get to paint next week. Yes, the cost of living is rising and house prices are falling and there's a terrible war (as there always is). There is great pain and grief in the world, and over the past few years I've had my share of both. Perhaps more will come.
But just for a moment, writing all this, I can glimpse how marvellous it all is anyway, and how incredibly lucky I am. In fact, I can see how lucky we all are just because we have this day.
In my twenties and thirties, I viewed aging as a curse, but now I see it differently. Age gifts us with wisdom and perspective and it offers an opportunity to shift the way we experience life. I am treating this coming birthday as a way to refocus and set new priorities. Less imagining the future, and more experiencing the moment I have been gifted with. Less fear and more gratitude. Less worry and more joy.
I may not have fully lived every moment of my past - but I can make a start on changing that, and I can begin today.
I fact, we can all make a start on changing that, and we can all begin today :)